Goody Two-Boots
by Editor-Bug
Summary: After ordering a pair of enchanted, personality-altering boots, Dib tries to use them to expose Zim. However, the effects of the enchantment end up making it far more difficult than he planned. ONE-SHOT! Read & review if you like! Rated T for strong themes...


_KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!_

"Coming, I'm coming!" Dib opened the door. "Yeah?"

"Package for a Mister..." The delivery boy squinted at his clipboard. "...D...D-Di..."

"Dib."

"That sounds right. From Mysterious Mysteries Magazine!"

"OOH! My boots!" Dib snatched the box.

"Uh, just sign here."

"What for?"

"Just a formality. It ensures Mysterious Mysteries can not be held accountable for any physical, emotional or mental harm caused by the use of their products."

"...I guess that's fair."

Dib finished signing and handed the clipboard back.

"Uh, hey, can I get my pen- -?"

 _SHUT!_

"Ohh, boy!" Dib set the package down in the living room and tore it open.

Inside was a pair of fancy-looking cowboy boots and a teeny tiny information sheet. He picked up the paper and read it aloud.

"'Congratulations on purchasing a pair of enchanted boots from Mysterious Mysteries Incorporated. Anyone who dons this mystic footwear will become kind, friendly and agreeable. And acquire a Southern drawl.' Weird. 'But know this! The boots cannot be removed by their wearer, only by someone else. Use them wisely!' Haha, score!" Dib pumped his fist. "If I get Zim to wear these, I can get him to do whatever I want! Though I should probably test them out first...HEY, GAZ!"

"NO." Gaz's voice came from upstairs.

"Darn. Then who's gonna be my guinea pig?"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 _KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!_

"PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA PIZZAAAAA!" GIR flung the door open. "Are you pizza?! Oh."

A crudely wrapped box caught his eye.

"Oooh!" GIR opened it and found two cowboy boots with a note that said "Whatever you do, don't put these on!"

"OOOOOH! Imma put 'em on!"

Dib peeked at him from behind the fence. "Heh heh heh..."

Despite how oversized they were, GIR managed to put the boots sufficiently on; once he did, he was momentarily bathed in a yellowish glow, which Dib assumed was the enchantment taking effect.

"HOO WEE!" GIR exclaimed. "What a kind gift! Whoever sent it's deservin' of a thank you card!"

"They work!" Dib pumped his fist once more while the SIR unit searched for an indication of the sender. "Wait, is that even a Southern drawl...? Oh, who cares? Goodbye spell drives, hello Mysterious Mysteries Incorporated! Now I just have to get- -"

"GIR!" Zim came stomping out of the house. "You left the door open again! And- -! Where did you get those boots?"

"Found 'em on the porch, pardner!" GIR replied.

"Well, remove them at once!" Zim commanded. "I don't appreciate how much taller they make you look."

"Suuuuure thing!" GIR tried to pull them off. "Sorry, no can do!"

"What?"

"They're stuck!...I reckon!"

"GIR, I've witnessed you yank fire hydrants out of the ground! I don't care how 'stuck' they are!"

"I could try usin' a shoehorn!"

"Forget it! I'll do it myself! Like usual..."

"This is so perfect!" Dib said to himself.

With a sharp tug from Zim, the boots came right off. "See? See what you can accomplish when you try? Why can't you be more like me, GIR?"

"Gosh." GIR hung his head. "I doubt I'll ever know...um, Master, are you pizza?"

"AWAY WITH YOU!"

The robot dragged his feet back into the house, but Zim remained outside examining the boots. He looked around for some kind of clue about their origin and found the note they'd arrived with among the packaging's remains. Dib gulped and watched him intensely. He had no idea what the Irken was thinking.

 _"These boots..."_ Zim thought. _"So tall. So stylish. So POWERFUL. But that note seemed to imply something...spooky about them. Perhaps I should just dispose of th- -PUTTING THEM ON!"_

He sat down and swapped out his old boots for the new ones. Dib pumped his fist yet again as that weird glow surrounded Zim, accidentally hitting his elbow against the fence.

"Ow!" He rubbed it. "I should really stop doing that."

"HOO WEE!" Zim exclaimed. "Reckon I should thank GIR for these boots!"

"HOLD UP!" Dib came out of hiding. "Wait a second!"

"Hm? Well, if it idn't Dib?" Zim stood up, showing that the boots took up practically the entirety of his legs. "What brings ya to these here parts?"

"Yeah, it sure is me," Dib replied awkwardly. "Could you maybe not talk like that...?"

"Like what?"

"Never mind. Say, Zim, could you do me a favor?"

"'Favor''s my middle name!"

"Could you maybe come with me to Swollen Eyeball Headquarters so I can expose you to everyone and finally rid the world of the alien menace?"

"Sure thing! Lead the way, pardner!"

"Awesome! Let's go!"

And so, Zim followed behind Dib as they set out on their journey across town. The scythe-haired boy folded his hands menacingly.

"All according to keikaku," he said to himself. "I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner! This is going to be easy as- -"

"YELP! YELP! YELP YELP!" A bushy and panicked dog came running up the sidewalk. "YELP YELP YELP!"

"Sheesh. _Loud_ ," Dib remarked, walking past it.

"Wha?" Zim knelt down. "What's the matter, boy?"

"YELP YELP YELP!"

"Little Timmy fell down the well?"

"YELP YELP!"

"And everyone who tried to save 'im ended up getting stuck along with 'im?"

"YELP!"

"Zim!" Dib cut in. "Quit messing around, we've got plenty of road to put behind us!"

"Dib, Little Timmy and a buncha other people are trapped down the well!"

"Who the heck is Little Timmy...? And what well? Do they even make those anymore?"

"I don't rightly know...either way, this dog tells me they're stuck!"

"Sucks. But I'm sure at least one of them has a phone on them and can call for help."

"We can't just leave 'em there! Take me to the well, perro!"

"YELP!"

Zim hopped onto the dog's back, which promptly scampered towards the site of the crisis.

Dib's jaw dropped. "H-Hey! WAIT UP!"

XXXXXXXSOONXXXXXXX

It wasn't long before Zim and the collie arrived at the previously non-existent well, with Dib tiredly trailing behind them.

"Don't worry, people!" Zim called down to them. "Ol' Zim is comin' to the rescue!"

"Hurry!" they called up. "Little Timmy's running out of air!"

"Then listen, y'all! Stack on top of each other best as you can; get close to the opening, I'll take care of everythin' from there!"

"Okay, we'll try!"

Once the townspeople had gotten sufficiently stacked, Zim leaned into the well and tried to reach them, but alas, he was unable.

"Dib! I can save 'em, but I need you to hold me!"

"Uh, I don't..." Dib paused at the sight of Zim's overly determined face. "...fine."

He reluctantly fastened his arms around Zim's midsection and lowered him into the well; one by one, he pulled people up and out of it. The whole process was murder on Dib's arms...at one point, he barely resisted the urge to just drop Zim in there. But he let the charade go on because at least he was actually helping people. And finally, Little Timmy.

"Thanks, mister!" he uttered to Zim.

"Yeah, it's not like I helped or anything..." grumbled Dib.

Zim grinningly faced everyone. "You're safe, y'all!"

"Yay! Hurray!" they rejoiced.

"So, now that that's over with and my arms have been stretched like taffy, can we get back to helping ME?" Dib huffed.

"Riiight, Dib, I ju- -HOLY HOT SAUCE, THAT BUILDING'S ON FIRE!" Zim pointed out.

Not too far down the street, an apartment complex had a sizable fire fairly high up along one of its edges, with smoke billowing out and everything.

"HELP, HELP!" A middle-aged woman cried out a window. "I have three babies and a pet chinchilla in here!"

"How did I not notice that earlier...? Anyway, now that everyone's out of that well, at least one of them can call the fire department for help, and..." Dib saw Zim racing into the burning building. "Crap."

In a few seconds flat, he'd joined the damsel in distress at the window. "DIB!"

"What?!"

"Stand in front of that lamppost there!"

"...?" Dib shuffled over to it. "Like this?!"

"Perfecto!" Zim ducked back inside.

"W-Wait, why am I standing he- -OUGH!"

The panicked woman had been dropped right on top of him.

"He was right, it was a soft landing!" she said in a bubbly tone. "BUT! My chinchilla! ...and my babies!"

She flinched as the flames increased in size. However, Zim soon emerged from the front door of the building carrying her beloved chinchilla...and babies.

"Thank goodness!" She ran to embrace them. "Boy, that's the last time I iron, vacuum and change diapers at the same time!"

Zim patted his blazing tunic off. "No thanks needed, madam. Good deeds are their own reward, truly."

"Ungh…" Dib limped over to him. "Alright. Good job saving them and...dislocating my bones. Now let's g- -"

"SWEET SYRUP!" Zim exclaimed.

"Oh, no."

"There's a kitty stuck in that tree! We've go- -!"

"ZIM."

"Huh, huh?"

"People stuck in well? Fine. People and chinchilla stuck in burning building? Okay. Cat stuck in tree? I literally couldn't care less! I've reached my apathy limit! Now come on, I want to get to the Swollen Eyeballs before MIDNIGHT!"

"Well, alright...if'n you feel so strongly about it..."

"THANK you." Dib turned and began walking. "I think if we- -"

"DIB, CATCH!"

"Huh?!" Dib turned back, briefly saw Zim sitting in the tree before he got a face full of puss- -ER, UHH, cat. "AGHHHH!"

As it scratched and clawed at him, he retreated into an alleyway. He finally managed to pry it off, and it calmed down after a few seconds; Dib dragged himself out and the cat ran away.

"Real sorry, pardner," Zim helped him up. "But I couldn't rightly leave that cat stranded up there, y'know?"

"NO! No, I don't know!" snapped Dib. "You are SO lucky I took my anti-housecat pills this morning!"

"I said sorry..."

"FFFORGET IT, just...from now on, let's not stop unless it's an emergency."

"HELP, HELP, IT'S AN EMERGENCY!"

Dib looked to the sky. "Kill me."

A man in a tuxedo came running up the street. "Help, my wife is threatening to jump off a bridge! She won't listen to me!"

"Je-garsh, what made her so upset?"

"We were dancing at our wedding reception and the record skipped!"

"That's it?"

"She's sensitive, okay?!"

"We'll help you!" Zim said determinedly. "Take us to her!"

"Okay!" The groom scooped him up and carried him off, leaving Dib in the dust.

"...ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"

XXXXXXXBRIDGEXXXXXXX

"Stop! Stay back or I swear I'll jump! I ain't PLAYIN'!"

"Clarice, you must chill!"

Exhausted, Dib finally caught to Zim and the many concerned wedding guests at a bridge. The bride, Clarice, had one foot on the railing of the bridge and an intense look on her face.

"Wh...What'd I miss?" he panted.

"Still feelin' the situation out," Zim said pensively.

"Clarice, we can move on from this!" shouted the groom. "Our marriage just started, it doesn't have to end here!"

"But everything's RUIIINED!"

"Your husband's right, Clarice!" Zim spoke up. "You've gotta come back!"

The bride twitched as he took a step towards her. "What do you know?!"

"I know that you don't really wanna do this."

"And how?!"

"'Cause if you did, you'd be leaving all these people that love you."

"I don't FEEL loved!"

Dib eyed the ground. "Why..."

"Clarice, you..." Zim glanced behind him. "Dib, come here for a second."

"Wha?"

"..."

"...a'ight." Dib stood beside Zim and flinched when he patted his chest. "Ow!"

"Clarice, this is Dib!"

"Um...hi, Dib?"

"This is awkward for both of us," assured Dib. "OW!"

Zim had patted his chest again. "Take a good, long look at Dib here. That sickly skin, those noodle limbs, that unkempt hair and just marvel at the size of his noggin! Ma'am...y'know what Dib is?"

"Um, deeply offended?" offered Dib. "OWW! Quit patting my chest, my ribs are still semi-broken!"

"Dib is unloved. But you...you aren't Dib."

Clarice looked down in realization. "My god, you're right, little green cowboy..."

"Clarice, come back to us!" begged the groom.

"Oh, Oscar!"

"Clarice!"

Shedding tears of joy, the bride and groom embraced each other passionately, with their wedding guests gathering around them in elation.

Zim wiped an eye. "So beautiful."

"RRRAAAAAGHHHH! THAT DOES IT!"

"Huh? Agh!"

Dib had been approaching him threateningly before tackling him to the ground.

"Can't! Take it! Any! MORE! GRRRAH!" Enraged, Dib tore the boots off of Zim, darted to the bridge railing and flung them into the river. He spat after them too. "Ptoo! I'd rather put up with the evil, scheming Zim than...whatever this has been! At least _that_ Zim annoyed me intentionally! Rrrgh!"

Zim sat up dizzily. "Heh? Dib? When did you get here?! When did _I_ get here...? How dare you dispose of my new boots?!"

He didn't get any answers as about a hundred grateful people approached him.  
"Please, sir! You've done so much for us!"  
"What can we do for you?"  
"Yes, we'll do anything to repay you!"  
"I'D KILL FOR YOU!"  
"I'll pay your mortgage!"

Confused, Zim blinked at them as he listened to their praise and pleading. He felt awkward (and somewhat naked) in front of them with only stockings and no boots.

"SILENCE, HUMAN STENCH-BEASTS!" he demanded. "I, Zim, am unclear on the current course of events, but I wish to return home as soon as possible! So I command you to, eh...throw this big-headed child off the bridge and leave me be!"

With a resounding final cheer, the townspeople hoisted Dib over their heads as Zim hurried back home.

"Hey! Hey, put me down!" the scythe-haired boy protested. "Zim, you jerk! I swear, I'll- -AAAAAGH!"

 ** _SPLASH!_**

"PBBBT!" Dib resurfaced. "Aw, man...well, maybe I can get a refund."

* * *

(A/N: Th-th-th-th-th-that's all, folks! Hope you got at least some enjoyment out of this story. It kinda sorta took longer than I expected, and I don't even remember where the idea originally came from, it's another one I've had sitting around for a while...'twas weird. My brain-meats been rather scrambled lately, so thanks for being patient, sticking with me and all that.

Anyway, please review, fave, point out any errors you find, and check out my profile for more! Au revoir!)


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